Warning…TMI post ahead containing delightful words such as “cervix” and “mucous plug”

March 2, 2010

At my most recent doctor visit a couple days ago, my doctor, the sweet, lovable cartoon-ish man that he is, “checked me”. In other words, he stuck his hand up my lady parts and pretty much palmed the baby’s head like it was one of those mini basketballs. I had been warned by other moms that getting “checked” toward the end of pregnancy is unpleasant, awful, painful, blah blah blah. I now think those other moms are wimps. There was seriously nothing to it. My doctor is magical.

While he was “checking me” he actually announced “aww baby gets a gold star for making its way toward the birth canal!!” His enthusiasm is ridiculous and awesome.

Anyway, the good news is I had already dilated a centimeter (three words I never thought would come out of my mouth in public ever). Only 9 more to go! I am 54 percent effaced…which according to Dr. G means “the cervix is thinning until it goes from leather to the plastic wrap you put around your sandwich.” YUM. And also, the baby’s head is really really really low. Which he said explains why sometimes when I’m working out and in the bottom of a squat, the pressure feels like someone bashed my pelvis with a hammer.

But the most curious part of the whole appointment, and also the most gag-enducing, is when the doctor told me, “well, because you are already dilated a centimeter, you must’ve passed your MUCOUS PLUG and didn’t even know it!”

Let me say that one more time….mucous plug. *shudder*.

Apparently a mucous plug is some sticky, gooey mass that plugs something…and as you get closer to birth, it falls out. And apparently mine fell out of me without my knowledge or permission. Now, half of me is delighted about this because who wants to see some chunk of snot fall out of their wee-wah. But my Jack Bauer-esque mucous plug was so sneaky and stealth, I never even knew it was there before it did its business and was gone forever.

But the other half of me is a tad confused. How could I have missed it? When did I lose it? And oh dear, what if it fell out while I was at the Governor’s office for work last week? Has a mucous plug ever clogged a State Governor’s toilet before?!

When I got home from the appointment, the first words out of my mouth were “GUESS WHAT!? I lost my MUCOUS PLUG!” See, my husband doesn’t like blood and guts. Which makes no sense considering we hunt practically 9 months out of the year and gut all things from rabbits to deer to birds to coyotes. But when it comes to people guts, just hearing the word “needle” gives him the shakes and makes him light-headed.

So I knew merely hearing the combination of the words “mucous” and plug” in one sentence would be like actually reaching in himself and pulling out our baby only to discover it has 6 feet and a tumor on its head containing the hair and teeth of its twin. I think that tumor thing actually happened once by the way.

So when he heard me come in and yell “I LOST MY MUCOUS PLUG!”, he looked at me for a second, said “don’t ever say that again,” and ran upstairs to probably lay down for awhile trying to forget the filth that just came out of his wife’s mouth.

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